The Girl , The Daughter , The Sister , The Girlfriend, The Friend

losing grip

2006-08-18T01:35:00.000-07:00

"Losing Grip"

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared I was so alone Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care were not going newhere
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care were not going newhere

preparation for n levels..

2006-08-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

what the heck..

this year when im starting to get serious,the school just sucks..

i mean we rarely had humanities..and our friday is a free day..and teachers just stop coming to our class...either they are not in skewl..or dey are late!!

wtf!!and we the students are trying herd not to gave up tho we kinda gave up in certain stuff..

well,aniwae...to gdfren hu tag my blog..thanx fer the tag..i appreciate ur concern ..=) but plz do not worry as me n him are okae oredy..and i can make my own decision..=)thnx once again..

on my one year

2006-08-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

okok..my one year isnt exactly what i dreamed of for the past months..but he's nice to me..

i was at home sleeping and resting my ass off..

den at night i am like a servant..try to get in contact with him but cant get thru him the whole day..kinda sad actually..i mean..every girl have a dream..a fantasy for their anniversary..every anniversary i didnt get anytyng,..but i alwaez make myself smile by tynking its all worth it if i be patience..hu noes my one year would be a blast..

oh well..i understand..let's just wait for my two years okae?..=D

n yup..im still praying for him..i hope he gets to find the right door that welcomes him..

i really am helping and praying..

ONE YEAR

2006-08-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

wooOhOOo~~!!
oNe yEaR MaN!!!

~*~hAPpy onE YEar fREd~*~

~*~happY OnE YEaR EeQa~*~

OKOK..im juz soooOoO excited CoZ Its ONe YeaR...DatS LonG!!! haHAhaHA

BtW,toDAy IS 15 aUgust...

LAlaLA...

sO much i weNt ThRU...

it pAys oFf..

OKok...im CRAzY noW...

ONe YEAr~~~

forget it

2006-08-13T04:17:00.000-07:00

get back with fred..

okok..i noe u guys will go (what the f***!!!)hahaha..

but i dunno..its like sumtyng that i cant let go though i wanna let go..its confusing..u wont understand..i mean coz u are not in love..well..wat is love aniwae...hmmm

aniwae,i wanna say thnx to p.za,wawa n farm for giving me the support.. guess wen u guys read this post u guys sure gonna slap me..its like a cycle...hahaha

aniwae..wanna join the dancefloor..i oredy hav 5 ppl in mind..but still waiting for their answer..hmm..hope dey can make it...

*cross finger*

2006-08-12T01:29:00.000-07:00

to:him

Its the first time I ever felt this lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
Its funny when you think its gonna work out
Til you chose weed over me, you're so lame

I thought you were cool until the point
But up until the point you didnt call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
Youre too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when I ignored you
So I thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning'
Cause I'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears'
Cause I, I am still here

But everytime I try to make you smile
You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You stand like a stone
Alone in your zone
Is it too much that I'm asking for?

me:crying
he:__?__

2006-08-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

that's all for us

we didnt make it till 15 august 2006 but still dis months past really meant a lot..

alot of tyngs im gonna miss...actually.the ultimate thing im gonna miss is his family..dat i felt like mine..and the feeling that i get when im with him..when he automatically hug me..

i have nobody

2006-08-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

listening to:me and my melody by seven sundays

well..guess wat ..he's also listening to dat song..good tyng i mute it wen he called..

okok...i dun wanna put wat probs i have here..but i really am going thru the downs of life now..everytyng seems so wrong..very wrong..and i really cant turn to anyone coz i havta do it on my own..but a little support would be nice..but i dun seem to be getting it..

its sad..wen ur boyfriend dont hav a clue abt wat dey are suppose to do..isnt der any courses for them?... and dat makes me feel like im unimportant to him..which really affect me alot wen he seems to be paying more attention on his other girlfriends while i tried calling him but cant get thru or we are always silent onda phone...yes,first tyme in my life i sound so bored on the phone..i always hav sumtyng to talk to onda phone..dats why ppl love to call me up..like him last tyme..

but i cant juz be talking and him juz keeping quiet..he dun wanna open up..okok..maybe he is the type hu dont share..but why am i here for? im waiting for him to tell me abt his day..abt his feelings..i dun wanna guess abt it anymore..and i wish he wouldnt lie to me..no matter how much the truth hurts..coz i really appreciate ppl hu is honest..i hate lies..i really hate lies..coz i always sense a purpose for sumone to lie..

i dunno...he dun feel me..

dat makes me feel more selfish den ever to desperately seeking attention from him..i just had enuff of it..im very very tired..too tired..and he?..he dun bother..coz he tynks abt his own problems..and not mine.. i always tynk abt him...his problems..his feelings..i noe he's also going thru the downs... but i try to be der too..to help him..but wat bout him?

im sick of crying alone..im sick of juz keeping how i feel juz to myself..coz he just tynks dat im crapping .. kinda make me look like a fool.. actually i do feel like a complete big fool now..after all the words he said to me..

now the song is :heaven knows

oh my..

to post?or not to post?

2006-08-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to post about what i feel? i mean i havta still tynk about how people feel? i mean then what's with the blog for?dun dey noe my blog is what-do-i-feel-exactly???okok...now i noe... we havta be nice..NO MATTER WHAT!
fuck this world!!im gone!!

emo me

2006-08-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

im juz feeling so farked up here!!

gawsh i am really feeling so emo!!

and now i hate myself coz im not an emo person and i m suppose to smile!!

but i cant!!

things are wrong...

life's down for me...

and guess what...

no one is helping..

only fahmy..

thanx fahmy...

and guess what...

i was hoping someone else could do dat job...

coz i love him and not fahmy...

but he couldnt take dat job...TOO HARD I GUESS

aniwae,feel like going clubbing,...smoke my lungs out..

yeah...feel like doin dat...

watever..

im emo ryte now..

ouh fark!havta stop using dat word!!

okae ppl...dun get me wrong...im not into this scene stuff

but feeling dat way is not juz for emo ppl..

and it definitely not CRAPPY

confession

2006-08-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

da truth is..i was so excited on our one year..dat i only remember it to be soon and on tuesday...and my mistake..i mistaken it for this coming tuesday..so im apologise sepetz..heehee..

bbq with sepetz pham

2006-08-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

went bbq with sepetz family... its great though...i mean i dont feel awkward though... its like my own family and im glad his family likes me for hu i am and not how i must be...so i had fun..

i was eating and eating and talking to the makcik2..heehee..and guess wat,i didnt tag behind dat "he-called-himself-magnet" yesterdae..hahha...

well,i cant wait for my n level to be over..coz all im looking at is books books and notes...yup.. and my mock is tomorrow...i mean for my humanities..now i havta to really worry my humanities!! especially social studies...ders is lotsa 'strategies' i havta memorize..

i cant believe its going to be our one year soon..i mean lotsa tyngs we went thru good and bad..

gawsh..i cant believe i can hold on to this many heartpains and never ending tears.. i look back and thank god for making me dat strong to hold on...

and i also wanna thank sepet for enduring my mood swings,stubborn-ness,crazyness and all the ness ness dat u can remember...lol

and also to wawa,haiyu and my p.za!!! coz w/o dem to tell me to hold on,i dunno if i am still with him..thnx to u for putting sense in my head when i becum crazy...

and to 4a3-ians!!!coz this is sumtyng i never told anyone before,but when im down...i look at our class...i will smile and happy...coz everyone meant a lot to me..i tynk im lucky to have all the noisiest and crazy people in my class..and we are so united..so love dem..cant wait for dat class photo to come out..lol

woah..its like as if i won an award..

congratz hubby!!

2006-08-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

good news: my sepetz got a job!..im so happy for him..=) good to see him back to work.

aniwae,skuls killing me..im trying hard to open my eyes at the last three lessons!
and wen der is no teachers,our class went crazy like they are so stressed out that someone put his fist in his mouth, someone do juggling and some crazy girls play scissors paper stone the slapiing hand version..and deir hands are swollen and bruises...!! crazy..

aniwae, my sis cut her hair..cute to the max!!!

ndp 2006

2006-07-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

went with sepetz and fahmy...haha..its deir first time!muakakaka...
they try to maintain themself but b4 we even went inside the stadium,dey oredy start to open their funpacks!hahaha
we got yellow section..so away from wawa and haiyu and all..but we met them after dat..

i was the only semangat one coz its national day forgawdsake! i mean its the tyme where u show how much u love singapore! and its celebrating singapore's birthday,meaning its a party..but my section is full of aunties and so its not dat great..heehee..but sepet and fahmy dun even wan to sing along..or play torch light..or i dunno..hahaha...guess dey want to act macho..LoL..well,it was ok..i went "WAAAAHHH" during the fireworks..!!hahaha..

it was great,..never knew dat two apeks can clique so well dat i tynk fahmy havta go and get girlfriend fast so i have sumone to accompany me while both of you talk abt guy stuff..hahahahahaha..=p

2006-07-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

yesterdae was my n level practical... thank god everytyng went smoothly... ppl like my rosak lemon-strawberry mousse and my asal boleh strawberry milkshake and my laz min chicken rice ball...hahahahahaha...so it turns out goood..

and todae i was busy and crazy disturbing my dear classpals...(as usual) and dey did dat to me while im sleeping!! dey put powder and took my picture! bleargh!!heehee..im so ugly okay?

ohyar...havta sae thnx to richard,raurau,zul and imran...da show was great only the ava thingy suckx...but..u guys really wake our school up..haha...*thumbs up*

havta go..wanna meet sepetz~~~~

sigh

2006-07-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

i worry too much..TOO FARKING MUCH!

what the fuck is wrong with me?! this is so not me..

what happen to da eqa dat always held her head up high even if she is all alone?
what happen to eqa who dont gives a fuck to what people say?
what happen to all the energy in eqa?
why am i crying?
why am i hurting?
why am i being so over protective?insecure?and emotional?

this is not pms...

why am i weak?
why?!why?!?! oh FARKING WHY?!!!!

why dun u try it?

2006-07-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

Name: EeQaH
Age: 17
Month of birth: October[im an Octy!]
Any Siblings?: one annoying youngSis
Parents still married?: yup
Occupation: dancing and crapping?
Do you like your job?: duh*
Any pets?: no
Hair color: black
Eye color: black
Shoe size: 8[okok..im a big foot]
Any Tattoos?: no
Any Piercings?: yes
Current mood: boredDdDDd
Current wardobe choice: sumtyng cooling~
What are you listening to?: music that can ’moved’ me
Who did you last speak with on the phone?: dat irritating sepetz
What do you currently smell like?: like skewl
Last....
Movie you watched: cars
Magazine you looked at: lime[we are on the mdis advertisement!]
Thing you ate: pepperoni pizza
Book you read: dat baby book…urmm..
T.v. show you watched: that’s so raven
Time you cried: laz two days..[bad sepetz]
Took a shower: omg!I forgot!
Got a real letter (a.k.a Snail Mail): yeah
Ate at a restaurant (not fast food): yes..
CD you bought: its been ages….
What is/was....
The best thing to happen to you today?: I got third in history[yay!]
Your most prized possession: handphone[my pre is currently low]sponsor anione?
Your first vehicle: baby pram[I dun havta to control anytyng!]
Your current vehicle: M.R.T
Your favorite quote: oh-my-gawd
You bedtime (on average): 10pm..[gOoOD GIRL]
Your best trait/characteristic: I make my friends smile =)
Your worst trait/characteristic: I worry to much
Do You....
Store things under your bed: my bed bugs?
Daydream: A LOT!! Haha…
Have a computer at home: yes
Live in the city, suburbs or country: Lion city
Live in a home, apartment, duples or mobile home: HDB…
Own a cell phone: yes
Have a good luck charm: yup..my lucky underwear!..heex
Collect anything: yup,trash
Attend high school or college: high school
Make good grades: yup..but not malay…
Have You Ever....
Had a surgery?: nope
Had teeth pulled?: duh
Broke the law intentionally: haha..
Ran away from home?: HAHA
Broke a bone?: nope…
Cheated on a test/exam: *evil laugh* dun we alwaez…
Had a friend pass away: yes
Been issued a citation/traffic ticket: nope
Been in an auto accident: nope
Lied to someone: well..urm..
Been lied to: tell me about it!!!*roll eyes*
Your Favorite....
Place to be: Farm! I wanna go misty mountain again!
Place to visit: visit wawa and rifqy!!heex~
Place to chill: windy bridge
Non-Alcoholic drink: im crazy for mineral water[ice mountain or evian only]
Alcoholic drink: is dat da one dat makes ur breath stinks?nope..I dun drink dat..
Type of food: crappy food..
Meal/Food dish: I will alwaez love lemak cili padi!!
Dessert: mudpie!
Shampoo & Conditioner: Pantene
Toothpaste: Darlie
Salad dressing: euw!salad?! Yulks!
Ice cream: chocolate..definitely!
Fast food establishment: macdonalds is nice~~
Color: green
Season: rainy
Holiday: hari raya holiday..u’re not skewling and u get green packets!..haha
Perfume/Cologne: I love dat britney smell..curious
Video Game: car racing… I wanna play more of dat…
T.V. show: that’s so raven
Smells: my grandma’s rubbsh bin..no kidding
Article of clothing: it depends~~
Book: sidney Sheldon gives you goood books..
Children's Book: I like that totsy and tim..hahahaha
Candy: no candy for me!
Car: Honda oddysey is sooo nice..or mazda3
Do You Believe....
In Karma: yup..definitely!
In God: yes yes!
In Heaven & Hell: yeah
That aliens exist (extraterrestrial variety, not illegal aliens): nope
That ghosts exist: yup
In horoscopes: not really but it always turns out true..hmm
In others you know (family, friends, co-workers etc): the truth,nope
In yourself: definitely
Your Opinion....
On the death penalty: some deserve it..
On reciting the Pledge in schools: hey,I say it out loud..but still I see no point to it..
On homosexuals in the military: I dun really care
The war in the Middle East: PLEASE stop this war thingy!
Schwarzeneggar...Governor or Terminator: urm.. havta sae Terminator
Current gas/fuel prices: what the hell….

why the hell am i wasting my tyme on this survey?..haha..but its fun though...try!!

2006-07-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

saw this pic at kak gal's fwensta..took it and edit abit coz my face was so sucky...wearing makeup and im perspiring..argh!!lol

aniwae,went to kak shidah's houz to see rifqy...so s0Ooo cute!!! aniwae,kak gal was also der with cik ida n all...haha..waah..*i noe all his family members urh*..lol

den after dat we went to tati's wedding..havta apologise to her for being extremely late..we got lost and ended up quarelling all the way der...but we are fine and happy wen our day ends...=p

haha

aniwae,sepet wants me to wryte this"im mad at him coz he's not willing to give me what i want"

ok....der..i wrote it..hahahaha..

oh ya,sorie to sepetz coz im being selfish..i guez..i'm being more and more typical!..urgh!...and im getting worried... gawsh!im losing grip of my own self!!help!!

do they noe wat we want?

2006-07-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

does he noe what i really want?he said he loves me..im da ONLY ONE.. he dun wanna let me go..

but he dont treasure me at all..he dun care about what i feel..he tynks of himself.. when i want to let go,i always tell myself give him the chance..but i guess he dont get this clue..

mengartikan dirimu,didalam hatiku
betapa ku sesali,adanya dirimu
haruskah ku bertahan,demi cinta ini....

haiz..

is this love?but why i feel like im giving and not feeling it..if it really is love, does love always havta feel hurt? i juz pray one day he noes how to control his mouth n temper..and noe that i deserve more than what i got right now..

no effort..
nothing

am i desperate?or the guy's a jerk? but i love him..not obsessive..but i chose to love him..coz i believe he can change..but will he?

he doesnt even noe wat i want..
does he really noe wat he wants

to tell you the truth,im hurt..badly hurt

but im tired of telling you dat..

coz u said im full of crap

oder pic in k.L

2006-07-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

sum more pics i took at K.L

day two in k.L

2006-07-18T02:13:00.000-07:00

Day two
okok...i was going "WAAAHHH" wen i saw da klcc..i even go "waaahhh" wen i saw the lantern festival! i mean da lanterns are so huge! mosque,temples, and even mini klcc made of lanterns! den ders dis GIGANTIC dragon made up of plates and cups! lols..kewl aniwae,then i go "WAAAHHH" again wen i saw times square..a theme park in a mall?! wen can s'pore hav dat?!! kewl ness.. den i saw dis group of teens who dress up like urmm..ruddies?punkrock?watever it is..but they are into this scene thingy..so i took a photo with dem..lols..juz wanna show s'por how its like in m'sia..
had a blast..too bad its only one nite and we went back..coz i miss dat place..and i really havta thank cik pipit for lettin us stay..thnx!

day one in KL

2006-07-18T01:48:00.000-07:00

DAY ONE

we plan to go genting with a car..i was so excited dat i was so crazy inside da car coz its been long i hadnt left s'pore..well,aniwae..we change our plans coz we got a bit lost..first my kuzzin starts driving da wrong way and we went back to jb..!!lols so we went to k.l and try all hotels but it was all fullhouse!!every hotel in KL is FULL!! can u believe it? so we decided to go to my aunts place in kirara?..i dunno but sumtyng like dat..we got abit lost here and der..i kinda help abit..by redaing street directory?..O_o??

well,it was 12 HOURS!! In da car..so we slept alot..lols

baybeats

2006-07-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

Firstly congrats to abg ain and kak shidah on their new born baby boy muhd rifqy adli!!cute ryte?! cant wait to hold him!!

oh ya,its my mom's burfdae..and also the start of baybeats 06...so since my sis wants to go der,we went der..with my family..lols..but not for long coz den we went bowling..

i felt like im part of that baybeat as every where i go der will be hugs n kisses or "hi" from sumone..lols..feel like im one of the artist..lala..*prasan*

aniwae,i hope sepetx could be here oso..but he havta be in hospi..kinda feel bad for not goin der..coz i soo want to meet dat baby..!though ders sumone new dats cute in my life..i will never forget my babygurl wawa okay..i mean my niece wawa..not da salwa kamsari..uwakakaka

missing alot..i mean ALOT!

2006-07-13T05:53:00.000-07:00

okok..i dunno wats wrong with me..im just bored so i thought i juz take some few snap shots..

nutyng great happen to me..i mean its always the sameO sameO~~ go skewl,study,go back,revise,sleep..especially when my pre is low..cant msg or call!!grr!!

i wanted to use line but i alwaez take back my decision coz im scared dat i cant afford to pay..i mean i learnt my lesson already!always above 150 dollars?!..lol..

well,missing my dance gila buddies Lush

and my warisan..and also my sepet..haiz..

oh ya,goin to GENTING for a short trip for two days on sat..juz wanna relax for a while..been looking at books and comp..lol..i feel like my life seems boring!very..guez i miss out lotsa fun..haiz..miss miss

im also missing esplanade ground,stage,sw,taman,hubby's house,out to nowhere..lols..im missing lotsa stuff..

read kak girl's blog..she's so sweet..she mentioned bout me,..so suweeet..and oh ya,CONGRATZ to kak shidah and abg ayin on the birth of their son! urmm..rifky or rizky..im not quite sure but i noe dats its out soon!..woohoo..i juz love babies!..heehee..and gonna bet it'll turn out to be BIG..lols..

hey,sw on newspaper again..lols..juz saw dat like 5 seconds ago..wtf?..lol

oh ya,im goin baybeats..with my dearest umi!!lols..its her bdae..so its okay with me..

wanna watch laguna beach..

der hubby,ders an entry!..go read..haiz..at least my blog isnt like urs...

lols..

blabla..im crapping her..

gotta stop..

laguna beach!..lols

haix..

byesz!

relax day for me...hurray!

2006-07-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

went to sentosa after having a slight conflict with fred da night before whether to go or not..but den we end up going..lol..it was great..

and then we went to takashimaya n saw my p.za with her acheem..lol..*tynk she will go crazy if she see this name..lol*

oh ya,it's da only whole day we never fought till i go to sleep!!lol..n now im missing him..boohoo...

aniwae,i microwave a pizza..the first try my topping was burnt cheese but the second try was a success!hurray!..lol

oh my oh my

2006-07-04T01:24:00.000-07:00

The ultimate questions i have in my mind:do guys have intiative?!

Aniwae,skewls a bore..same old tyng..all is like the same..sum ppl must have been wondering wats my same in skewl like...well,im only looking forward to eat my mee soto-tambah-mee-taknak-taugeh-empat-sudu-cili padi... its not that spicy but my fwens was like saying it SUPER SPICY...dun gettit..look at the pic..cum on..its not..but sum already taste the spiciness after eating only 2 spoons of cili padi..lol

in class everyone is dead..the only lesson everybody learn is mr bambang lesson as usual..but for the rest,this is wat happ..haha..told ya..ders no point if i cum or not.. der will never be any studies for us..

bad 4a3...bad..

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

2006-07-03T03:08:00.000-07:00

okok..im upset..

i miss the old her.. what happen to her?

i noe people used her wen she's good and nice..

but i dun tynk that im one of the 'people'..

i listen and comfort..juz like how she listen and comfort me..

haiz...

i dunno what to say..its like u lose a pillar that helps to support ur building..

haiz..

haiz..

double date

2006-07-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

went out double date with my cuzzin and her urmm..date..

so its me, fred, her and her date...

went to watch havoc,den eat at yp....

took sum snaps here and der..

oh ya,ders dis gurl...hu use to have feelings for my bf but dunno if she still have larhx...we use to be close as we dance together..but after my bf goes to me,she was not happy and we dun talk to each other now...she even stares at me and stuff wen she saw me..gawsh gurl...well,aniwae,she keeps on sending mms of her goin out and stuff...cant she quit it? gawsh..i was pissed like y must she do dat? trying hard to get my bf hav feelings for her?my bf pick me instead of you coz he said u are one BORING GIRL!! duh* roll eyes... i was tynking of sending mms of me and him yesterdae but then good tyng my bf stop me..i mean i was so mad dat i wasnt tynking but wen now i realise dat how childish it is..i mean my bf not goin anywher and shes not gettin anywher...shes running in circle goin nowher fast..hah! cant believe a loser like her hu wanted a competition with me for my own bf...haiyo...loOoOOSErrrr!!!

this few days..

2006-06-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

-okok...i had a damn huge fight with fred.we ended up separating but it was back to normal..gawsh..im glad it had...
-i and my family went to swensen to eat and we went out quite alot..we even went to imm to buy kitchen stuff..for now my kitchen cabinet is full...hurray!
-got sick..really2 sick..doctor said i might be getting asthma..well,hope not coz even now i find it hard to breath..and im missing alot of lesson in skewl...haiz...
-we,kuzzins went out together,it was great...we update each other on our life..it feels kinda like gurlfriends..so we were tynking of doin more of it..like once a week?..heex..
-sports day juz happened yesterday..we didnt win for cheerleading...well,basically my house seems dead..all my cheerleaders gave up motivating them..i have to really push myself to get the strength so that i can went up for my cheerleading and went down to my duties...so basically im running around..and now im sick again..

oh ya,sumone wants to see this in my blog...
well,i took mc dat dae coz i was really shivering otw to skewl...so went to his house to rest..he was basically my nurse for the day..and surprise2..he COOK for me...lol..it was sweet but i played it cool..but he was nice..(minus the tyme he stick with his ego for not helping me carry my heavy bag wen im sick)..lol..gawsh..he is one very irritating guy which makes me confuse weder to love him or hate him..but gotta tell you..being his gf is NOT EASY!!...lol..

but the truth i love him..so so much that it hurts like hell...and not juz me who loves him,even my kuzzins!! faizah suddenly msg me at myspace abt him..and kak sheda and kak ct was like wat?!..lol... even my mom was concerned wen he didnt call..lol..guess he's a keeper afterall..=)

unfaithful

2006-06-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

i keep on keeping whatever im feeling deep inside my heart.my sorrow i swallow...my tears i hold it back..my anger i lock it in...
but when i cant stand it anymore,this feelings will slowly spill outta me..and dats when i will lock myself in my room and cry out every anger,every sorrow..
and my head will start to hurt coz i will start to think about lotsa stuff..
no one to hear me cry..i dun want people to hear and give sympathy..i dun want people to help...i dun trust people who do that..coz if they want to help,they shouldnt hurt me in the first place...
i will tend to get sensitive and emotional..the least a person could do is not create any problem for me but cheer me up..must all this tyngs be said?i thought its all using ur own initiative?or izeet me the only one who tynks that way?..

2006-06-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

we're on magazine!! but only the pic of me,tapa,mel and dee...hahaha!!!

aniwae,yesterdae i had the best tyme of my life...haha...i tynk i juz gonna keep it to myself..haha...i juz feel so free but then i feel heavy deep inside...

but that heavy feeling suddenly dissappear wen we went to misty mountain..haha

but i do have a blast yesterdae....lalalalalala

aniwae,im still stuck in my coursework...!!bleargh!!

almajlis

2006-06-19T22:01:00.001-07:00

u probably wondering whats dat..urmm..dats actually urmm..gawsh..i totally forgot what its called but its basically mutton and rice..but one tyng i like this dish is dat the meat is so tender..went to al majlis for dinner..well,basically met fahmy at bugis..sorta der..he was so umm..outspoken and kinda crazy..in oder words..he's like me..haha..da kind hu talks alot..get sum sheesha der too..which most of the tyme were untouch!haha...
got this pic of me performing with t at semis..well,looks kinda nice though..

holidays a bore..suddenly i cant wait for skewl..but there's one tyng of why i dun wanna go to skewl..i havent done my coursework!!argh!!

2006-06-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Fathers Day

2006-06-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

went to my grannys place..coz its FATHERS DAY!!heex.. well,basically we just came to karaoke and eat..my grandma and aunty ask me to come to help make roti kirai..well,what can u say..the great kirai maker..muahaha..oh gawsh..juz kirai..everyone can do dat..
aniwae,i saw my video for the semis..it suckz!i mean i suck at it..my energy wasnt der..was expecting dat after i finish performing coz i can feel dat my energy wasnt der..

aniwae,im still feeling a wee bit down coz im missing my friend..but then again..i forgive him..but i dun tynk i wanna talk to him now..

im goin to concentrate on my upcoming performance,my coursework..and my fred..

i got the old him back...hope he stay this way..

one of the alphabet makes me realise sumtyng

2006-06-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

we didnt make it to the finals..actually..i blame myself..i myself didnt feel im dat energetic on stage..im like so lost...especially wen abg shahril was looking at me from the start,i felt my energy decreasing..
and yes TEE..wen abg shahril was comment,i was beside you!and he was commenting on me..we made da eye contact!..gawsh..if you are wondering why im acting like as if tee is my rival..well..we have a fight..
He tynks dat he stands alone while judges comment..
He tynks dat he's been tolerating with shytes for all this while..
he tynks..he tynks..he tynks...
Gawsh..i myself tynk abt how he tynks..dats why wen he snap me of during pract..i jus shut up and smile..and yes,i deserve dat SORRY..but i said.."nolah.its okay.i understand".TYNK.
and the nite b4 pract,i really was planning to pract but i noe he wud get uneasy wen my parents are der..so tot i wanna wait for my parents to sleep but instead they bring friends over..so how to pract?..well,whatever..
i talk to him..i still smile.after the performance..wen i noe i did bad..i get outta dat stage,the first tyng i feel is dat i let him down..coz i promise him i do my best..and yup,its my fault for dat thurs..i apologise..and im not really having fun dat tyme keep on tynking how he felt..gawsh,i tynk bout my dance partner coz he's my boyfriend on stage..i havta tynk about him..haiz..i accept every comment and critics with a smile..but seeing him dat way,i juz break down der..and i hate wen ppl see me breakdown..its like dey will tynk im breaking down bcoz of remix..losing is part of a competition..but the way a dancer react to sumtyng..how professional is dat dancer?da way he did..its juz wrong..
i m just hurt coz i lose a friend..and dat my greatest friend actually would react dat way and suddenly tynk bout how he felt and not how WE felt..i went looking for him ..gawsh.. to ask how he felt..but he juz dont wan me 2 b der..ouh gawd..shouldnt let my feelings be too commited in a friendship..we start together,we end together..isnt dat the way?now wat HE say is true..friends arent forever..

tee and eqa friends till today:da laz pic we took

t0m0r0w

2006-06-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

me and my melody

2006-06-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

okok..it has been ten months...and wat more? he is still the same though..
aniwae,had a gr8 tyme at hard rock especially wen eating da mudpie... yum!

fought with T ...well,sorta..he's just pissed..cant blame him..i m da one to be blame actually..

oh ya..7sunday perform at plaza singapura.. nice songs..the song Us still stuck in my head..finding for their songs..hmm..wonder if i could get it from his brother..

dats all..gonna be a tiring day tomorrow...

nO mOre ChiPS

2006-06-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

okok!!i had enuff with chips..no more chips or chocolate or any junkies for me!!im sick to the core..i cant even walk or stand up properly yesterday!but todae i'm feeling abit better..i wonder wen can i dance again..i never go to my cheerleading pract n never pract with t...
i really wanna say sorry to t and chekerz coz everytyng was held back bcoz of me... my semis is dis cumin sat n im still sick!!argh!!

i havent done my n level coursework yet!aggh!!!!

we g0t t0 the neXt r0unD

2006-06-11T05:04:00.001-07:00

well,we came der and it was like lush didnt talk to me..i dun even noe dey are joining..but den elly said its a laz min tyng so i understand..n the BEST part is,dee,the one i call my bestfriend..walk past through me!!argh!!but den we talk..she was mad coz we never update her..but then the reason i did dat is to let them feel how i feel..in lush blog,they said that they msg us but we didnt reply..well,all i noe is dat i havent been recieving any msg..and if i do,i will surely make it..since wen i dunt..well,but we talk..n tyngs are ok..im glad its ok..i dun want to be against my own friends..i mean..dats wat lush is abt besides dancing...friends..

aniwae,me n T make it to the semis..woohoo!!cant wait fer the semis!!

im siCk..i tynk

2006-06-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

i tynk im getting sick!!my throat's burning..
n my n my sis are not in good terms with my parents..well,its like a war..
da young vs da olds..haiz..ders barely any food..and no $ for us to eat..but they ask us to do lotsa chores!!n dey do nutyng..dey only enjoy n enjoy!!bleargh!

re:mix is cuming..argh!!!!

oh ya,since on dat sun till now,i havent been hearing news abt sepetz..boy,he muz b having the tyme of his life..LoLx..haha..aniwae,let him be..i do miss him..cant wait to meet him dis sat as my kuzzin's getting married..yesterdae we went to r.o.m to register for their marriage..(pic of my kuzz n her husband)its very funny..haha..my grandpa is the witness..he suppose to sit at da 'stage' and listen while the groom is making his solemnisation(or watever u call it)..instead,he chew gum!LoLx!!

buSy Day

2006-06-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

i sPenD 3 dayS wiTh sePetz.. gawsh..n now its hard for me to live w/o him..hahak..how much i miss him.. even though cant wait to go back home..i enjoy every moment with him..especially at lau pa sat..coz i really enjoy juz chilling and talk crap with him.. dats one of the things i love to do with him..dunno bout him though..lalala..

aniwae,juz came back from kak girl's wedding..oh ya..btw,when i took da bus to tamp,met this two guys who was trying hard to get my number since we were at interchange! we ended up talking and one of this guy really wanted my number..even though i told dat guy dat im engaged! can u believe it? he makes it sound like as if he can rell me in easily..gawsh!

oh ya,kak girl's marriage..cant believe she's married.. she's so nice n funny..everyone loves her..even me..and finally i getta noe how diana is..haha..coz dis while she seem like da quiet type..but she's ok.. getta talk to her n kak sidah..i love going to sepetz family occasion coz their family are really gerek people..love each and every one of dem..i feel part of it..even im ok with thier aunts and uncles..=) thnx sepetz..for letting me share your family..=) muacksz...

oh ya,sum pic i put up der..take a look larhx..=)

yesterday

2006-05-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

yesterday went well for me..

we finish two songs..

i finish the whole routine for my cheerleading..i manage to do sweep down..hehee..

sepetz diff..im worried..maybe he's goin thru a rough tyme..but even before he lost his job,he still diff..not lyke da fred lyke how he usta be..da past 4 months fred i usta noe..the one hu is not rude n always respect me..haiz..

i m sorry marsh..i really am

2006-05-19T11:01:00.001-07:00

blablabla..
sick of it.. i miss dancing..how many tymes must i sae dat?well , aniwae..hav sum questions up in my mind..

why do guys say dey love the gurl but then they never show?is their ego dat BIG?why are they alwaez late?why they dun want to share their problems?why they get jealous easily but get pissed off wen we get jealous?hmm..

anyone noe da answer?
anyone?

well,im lost..not lost..juz guilty..for playing with people's feelings..

for u that understand what i mean..well,u noe hu u r..

aniwae..i feel like a jerk..

serve me right!its my fault..*duh*

lalalal

2006-05-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

im bored!!..tynk juz wanna put sum pictures inside..wacky sia..

hell of a house

2006-05-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

its not my fault..i didnt expect the ringtone to be so soft!!

he wanna take my hp!!and my simcard! he never even wanna top up and pay for my top up card like how he promise and he dare took it!!

HE MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL!!shouldnt let myself gave him a chance to be close with me!! he tynks he rule the house..i mean yar but we have our rights!! its not like he is ALWAY RIGHT!!

gawsh!bodoh sombong!he only love her!! its obvious..everytyng for her..wen it cums to us,he makes faces!!wen he fought with her,we are the victims..and he accuse us!

if we are that BAD..n causing u n her to fight,why still have us?! just throw us out!!

I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

prada prada!!

2006-05-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

yup2!!miss her..saw her..i was like sitting at mrt train n she suddenly stand infront of me.

miss her so much!!heehee..

go out wif me okay prada?..

heehee

today n yesterday i felt relaxed n i smile alot..i feel like i belong..

i'm l0st

2006-04-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

okok..i really am..dun wanna talk abt it..

aniwae,lush got 5th..but lush were good though..they were fierce on stage...nice attitude..

saw baybee and all..miss dem so much!! ahahak..

progress package

2006-04-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

aniwae,suppose to hav lunch with ben but cancelled..its okay though..coz im in no mood to have lunch also..

well,aniwae todae all singaporeans r going crazy with progress package.. everyone hav this ("to all,progress package money is already in your account"! hahak..n im not even part of it.. but my parents and bf are..hmm wonder wat i'll be getting..lalala..lolx

aniwae,my aunt met with an accident juz now..she was badly hurt..but she went home..half her face was destroyed..gawsh!..

hope she'll get better..=)

2morow lush will be dancing in finals..cum and support okay?

2006-04-26T05:41:00.000-07:00

I Miss my FrEd!

okok..its true~~

stReSSeD~!~!~!~!

2006-04-25T05:24:00.000-07:00

NyeaRgh!! eXams aRE KiLliNg mE!!well,kinda my fault for not wanting to pay attention before!!damn me!

now im studying and coping like mad..

small boys n girls...dun be like me okay?..

argh!!!

feel so sick!!so stressed out at class..i use up lotsa my brain cells till at the 2nd lazt period im already too tired and sleepy!!

aniwae,i miss lush...warisan and HUBBY!! argh!! criuzly missing my b so so so much..and of course he takes this as nutyng..haiya...cant he be more romantic?!..gawsh!,...lolx..
aniwae,i want to dance again!i want to perform again!dats my dream!! i dun want to let it go!!s0bz~~

he cares TOO much..

2006-04-23T01:54:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate him being caring and all..but too caring..

i was out nyte with wawa,fifi(cpk) and all..

its fun and my hp batt is running low..so i off it..

he starts to tynk negative..

gawsh..im a big girl..

i noe wat im doin...

i noe my limits..

i noe i have a boyfriend..

n i noe i love him..

cant he truz me?

well,he cares..coz he loves me..=)

aniwae,had fun laz nyte...but keep on tynking bout him..haiya..ahahha

oh ya...lush make it to finals!! congrats guys!!..but u guys are great..but need to be more focus.. check out their blog to get more in fo and photos! its under my link..

btw,if my bf is reading my blog...

juz wanna say:I LOVE YOU SYG!!(and ur hair.)..ahhaha

2006-04-20T04:19:00.000-07:00

Dis paIn i felt...

i felt lost and hurt..

but i still must smile and pretend things are okay..

juz to please people..

sumtymes i feel like screaming and shouting..

like how the 'inside me' is doing ryte now..

but who can i tell it to?

wen i nid sumone,my fwens are der..

but dey are guys..

my bf dun like it..

so i dun wanna say much..

and hope he would be der..

but wen i call him..

he's busy..

busy watching television..

he's always busy with sumtyng wen i nid him..

he's not der..

so hu can i talk to?

who can i cry on to?

*sigh*

i miSS GuCCi..

2006-04-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

argh!!..she's being sent off...i miss her..

i cried while going down dat elevator..

dunno dat its gonna be this hard..

now im at home and i have nutyng to make me smile..

bf?

oh..he's busy watching television..

guys!

wen dey hav television,dun ever hope dey wud call u baby..!

GuCci

2006-04-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

Gucci is this cat haiyu found..she's so cute!! and now she's hiding in my house from my parents..while finding for sumone who want to take her..shes weeks old!!...adorable color..(if u want juz email me)

btw,the class seem tense today..haiz..its wawa's bdae..Happy birthday wawa! and she's so moody...den ders a conflict between her and alif and all..haiz...she's not herself and the class suddenly not a fun place to be..especially wen mdm chan is not really in a gr8 mood..

i juz feel dead..try to concentrate on studies and have more family time by cutting down my dance..but i feel so lazy and dead..i dun feel lively on the inside..i want to dance..i noe dat even with me being sick,i still can dance ..i cant juz follow my weakness...i must fight it.. i noe i can...i juz wish i could dance and go out more..haiz..i miss lush..i miss warisan...if only my parents understand..coz if they tynk by cutting my dance can help me concentrate on n level,den i guez they tynk da wrong tyngs..haiz..

ConGraTs LuSh!

2006-04-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

Lush make it to the semi-finals..but i feel bad for baybee and all..but i noe u guys were great!..=) and i feel sad coz im not der..well,dats wat happen wen u are SICK!! argh!!..nvm...i will still support u guys all the way..den wen i recover den i will perform back wit ya guys!..love ya peepz lotz..

miss dem so much..its been long i havent seen them..argh!!heehee..hope i can see them during semi finals..

and watch dem go to finals and win!

yup2...i noe lush can win..

oh ya,dont stress out...guys! u noe wat i mean..=)

thallasaemia?

2006-04-15T03:48:00.000-07:00

okok...i went for blood test and found out i have thallasaemia...no wonder i keep on getting fever and flu and cough on n off...gawsh..im sick of it...i hate it wen im not healthy...i get tired easily...haiz..but i wan to dance...

and the cherokee gurls wanted me to help out with the cheerleading ...im tired but i love doin all this...i wan to dance again...haiz...

i miss danCing

2006-04-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

I miss Lush and warisan...i wanna dance again..haiz..

went for blood test juz now..discovered i have thalassaemia...haiz...i dunno wat the heck is dat..

no wonder im having fever,flu and cough for three weeks..or more i tynk!! argh!!always feeling tired and such..haiz..

d0c said i shud eat healthy food...yuckzs...

i really really really miss lush... i wonder how are dey doin... dey are preparing for levis comp i guez...well,hope dey do good...

good luck guys!

Money talks

2006-03-23T19:53:00.001-08:00

lotsa things i havta pay!! argh!! i wish i noe a way to make money..

i wanna buy stuff fro myself...like handphone...mp3..or PSP!!!

argh!!

well,i hav performance tomorow at MDIS...and havta come practice todae..well,im actually am damn sick but i need da money..

Money talks

2006-03-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

g0t hiM bacK

2006-03-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

okok..have i told u dat b4??...aniwae...got him but is he really mine?...he contact2 with lalisah and oder gurls..but does all dat gurl noe he's not single animore?..i dun mind he contact his gurlfrens but im juz scared history will repeat itself..

aniwae, im now quite piss with my life..ppl take me for granted!! argh!!hate it so much!~!
especially wen dat person once hurt me came back now and saying dat dey love me.. why muz dey feel dat way after letting me go?..haiz...dunno lah..aniwae,tomorrow got dis comp at geylang c...argh!! im so nervous..

wish me luck i wudnt do any wrong..i will be with dee,ally,tapa,maz and hakim...all of dem are good..im gonna make sure i wont bring dem down..

wat do i have?...i wish guys juz stop telling me dey love me or watsoever!! coz dey dunno me and dey never even talk to me...so why muz dey say dey love me?!?!...

well,im outtie..gotta go pract.

i Got hiM

2006-03-02T19:48:00.000-08:00

Yup2...gOt him baCk...im sOo happy..=) gawsh... but i know dat he still miss her even though he never tell me.. and i noe his feelings towards her is more stronger than me..well,that one i juz sense dats all..its hurtful..so hurtful..but maybe it takes time..he is juz going thru a rough time..umm.. i mean its true..he just lost someone he love,he is lost..so lost..im here..to make sure that he is fine.. im here to be by his side... to be der for him...

about her..i dunno...wanna mention her name?.. nah...u noe hu...*wink* i help her...and i also wanna help fred..i dun wan fred to take dos stuff..so i beg lalisah and disturb her night to giv fred another chance...and it dont seem to work..and i listen to lalisah's crying and pain while im actually feeling twice then how she feel.. i understand what lalisah is going thru and how hurt she is.. dats why i chose to help her..but i cant believe she did this to me.. she lie and betrayed my trust ..i cant believe that she would do this wen i gav her a sincere friendship.. too dissappointed..

looks like fred enjoy communicating with ''h-a-y-a-d-i-h''.. nah..i juz dun want history to repeat itself..im wanna make sure dat she noes bout us before ders another heartbreak,..

this relationship of mine is very2 challenging..but i noe i could go thru dis.. im strong..he needs me to be strong..

Just talk to him

2006-02-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

It seems like he dun need me animore.. but sumhow i can feel dat he needs me..hmm...im confuse...very confuse...this shite makes me hard to concentrate.. i rather be with him and hav a small fight rather than like dis... at least that situation i can still noe how to manage my studies.. but i dunno why this tyme it affect my studies and even my health... im scared... i really am to b honest...but i muz not show.. i havta be strong..

i cant do my common test.. im not doing good in sw and lush.. my house is stumbling down... i really am forcing myself to stand carrying all this shite...

i keep on talking to lalisah... in my point of view,lalisah is saying that fred's using me..she said im an asshole for still tynking of him..sumtymes she make me hav the tynking i havta move on..

but the fact i cant..and i wont.. evrytyme wen i wanna do dat the great memory i hav wit fred juz came back into my mind...and how i miss and longed for that moment to come back..dat makes me still wan to wait for him...i've made up my mind..i will wait for him..i havta be patient.. i havta to take it as a challenge..

so the challenge is:-
get good grades
get fred
get a good job
get a healthy life

GAIN WEIGHT!!!..lolx

believe it onot...i was actually crying ryte now..but then suddenly i feelo good...maybe im now(while typing)...i m looking on the brightside of all dis.. i noe im strong to face all this..im ready to face it..*bring it on!!*

hahaha...gawsh im miss fred...i wan us to still talk as per normal friends...while he take his tyme off..at least both party wont feel sad..=)

YAY!!

2006-02-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

gawsh..at laz i can get to wryte my blog..hahak..i cant get into my account using my home comp.. hate my comp so much!! now im in school.. mr bambang lesson...yeah..da coolest teacher.. he looks like an english man.. with his 'oasis' hair.. tight shirt and pants and dat pointy shoe..he looks...so modernists..hahak..

aniwae..im suffering from depression..dats wat they say..but i can manage to cope up with it..its killing me coz i cant concentrate in class.. the thought of fred ..he makes me have all dis questions in my head..

is he with lalisah?
is his feelings towards me is true?
will i be with him?

lotsa questions...and i got my answer..

he used to be with lalisah..i dunno if they still are now..
he said his feelings towards me is fake...den he said he actually love me..
with that kinda answer,i wonder will i still be with him..

im CONFUSED...bleargh!!

btw,lalisah(hunny bunny) is so sweet...i feel bad for misjudging her.. now i noe why fred loves talking to her..haiz.

my mind is full of fred..i getta get close with this guy named hisam..he's nice... into modernists... i THINK i hav a little bit feeling for him..but wen i want to move on and getta noe him better,fred juz pop in my mind..i just feel dat i need fred...even now..i dun wanna let him go..i dunno.. im lost..keep on tynking abt him..
how to study..i rather be with him if i want to study..

im hurt...since the first day of 2006 till now..but no one noes..

i wish i could be with him back..

hunny bunny

2006-01-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

well,i had a good tyme on dat nyte..=) i mean dats wat im longing for..i feel so relaxed..so happy..i feel like im floating in clouds..juz wen i see his face..but everything turns sour juz as i saw his hp..he used me..i mean..sorta..

hu is dis girl? hu is she to him?why he didnt tell me about hunny bunny?why is hunny bunny msging him in a very lovingly way?why is my name no more ~my unintended? i dun really trust his words.. still,when he hurt me,why i still feel dat i need him..why i turn back and follow him to cik mala's house? why i let him hurt me?..

coz its da onli way i can see him..i can talk to0 him.. i can hug him and feel him.. i can feel relaxed and happy..cos dats da onli way for me.. how i wish he realise how remorseful i am..how i dun mean dos words..how i wish he wont contact her..how i wish she didnt enter his life...how i wish i would stop crying everynyte..juz longing for his touch..even his voice..how im wish i would have him back..

somehow i noe he still care and he still love me..but whats stopping him?dat i wanna noe...coz i noe he does..if not why he still wanna call me?why he wanna follow me?why he still wanna kiss him?why he still wanna hug me? i didnt ask for it..he want it..i want it too..but too afraid to make a move..to make the WRONG move..but why he is so clod..why he still want me to spend tyme wit his family..letting his family noe dat we are still together..why he wanted 'our dream' to cum true?.. im confused.. wat if hunny bunny really is his gf?.. i noe he say its not but hu wud find it easy to believe?

i'll juz wait..hard for me to find oder guys..and i dun wan too..coz tynking bout our memories make me smile..and dat keeps me motivated.. =)

and being with his family..really makes me feel how wonderful a family is..i wish i can still spend tyme with them..=)

bleargh~!

2006-01-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

n0w im at skewl..doing stuff bout debating..it has juz been one week of skewlin an im oredi stressed out..suddenly at class everyone is into studying..hope it stay dat way coz i really wanna make it to o levels..homework is always piling..bleargh!

~~syamah,zul,railey and izad~~... i feel guilty for them..im just not into having relationship.. im hurt right now but im too busy to tynk abt it..ive been dancing,studying,dancing,studying.. and lotsa probs to remember.. but good dat he is der to keep me company inda nyte..i mean sum nyte..he hav a new friend wher he called everynyte..and wen i called him he reject..i mean,u can juz say u are online..u dun havta reject..i feel so stupid..i never reject his calls..and i dun tynk he will like if i did dat..i mean we are no longer together but that doesnt mean u can juz call me wen u need me and jus reject me wen u dun wan me..im coping up to heal the pain im not with you and now u wanna add da pain of u um...i dunno..bleargh~!

n0w im wanna concentrate my lush and sw..but will only cum sw on sat...coz if i go sw,i waste my money on transport to cum and food but no shows.. for lush there is always shows.. and we wanna get serious..we are now more serious about the group..i hope it stay dat way..

gtg...period over..

BLEARGH~!

in 2006

2006-01-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

2006

skewl is tomorow!!bleargh! hope i will do fine..i really wanna get good grades for my n level!!

now i and fred are dating couple ..well,i miss him though..but i have to be patient..he's going thru a rough tyme..he need his space.. my job is to juz be patient..

im looking forward to skewl..rather than staying at home.. i wonder how my sister is doing at her new secondary school..haha..she seem to b not liking her new skewl..haha..actually,i dunno wat more to say..

well,in 2006..i hope i getta pass my n level,manage my money wisely,be more mature and organise..talking bout organise,im getting my new student handbook!yay! i threw my laz year book at the stroke of 12..yup2..never look back on ur past..now on,im working towards my future and plan my priority..=)

:: i juz hope he wont dissappoint me.. ::

DiS iS waT i GeT?

2005-12-30T13:22:00.000-08:00

~~we broke up on his b'dae...well,i ask for it~~ and we are together again... i made dat mistake..for saying the word break up but i hav my reason..not bcoz i hate him..i love him..so much...but he is not like wat he usta be..i noe he now have a job..but dat doesnt mean he havta stop saying i love you 2 me.. i noe its hard for him to accept dat coz i say dat 4 times..but all dat 4 i say it coz i juz want to scare him..i noe its dumb ok..

so now we are together again..i try to make him happy..meaning dat i wont tell him my sorrow..coz we wud ended up arguing..since yesterday,every time wen i say i love you,he will say ''i noe'' ...usually he wud say i love you more..and he seem irritated wen i talk to him..it hurts me so much..does his heart just suddenly change?..i try to understand wat he is going thru but muz i suffer?thank god he is unable to read this blog..i can finally express out wat i really feel..i love him..he is the only one i got...my parents and sister are juz too bz with their own stuff..juz now i called him..he is at werk..usually he wud call me b4 going to werk..and i didnt noe he is werking todae..he finish at 1630..i finish my dance at arnd 1700.. i was expecting him to say we meet up or wat but he juz say ''good...den juz go straight home''

im off to dance...ders makeup test todae..talking bout it,i manage to rise one step in warisan..well,in my class..im da only one..i feel bad in a way.. wat wud lin and all say?..i dunno.. why muz i always tynk bout how people feel?..

gawsh..i better be going off..

the young housewife

2005-12-27T11:40:00.000-08:00

except she's not married..holiday suckx wen u have probation..fun started wen the moon comes up but i cant go!! and cant shop as im broke!im broke coz i didnt hve any job!(i dun wanna go further on dat!)and i didnt go outta country!

so im stuck at home doing chores n watch TV and eat..oh ya btw, i gain weight! bleargh!well...todae is fred's b'dae..but i wont disturb him..

dat morning at abt 0145 i wanna call him as he had finish his shift and otw home..but then he say his batt is near flat.. its not the first tyme though..i wonder as he's working,he is not always onda phone..(i mean dats da excuse he gave me when i called him during his working hours) and when i sms him.it took me 4 sms for his one reply... how can dat be flat? okok...of coz friends muz hav called him now and then but until ur batt flat?he never had dis prob b4 he start work..ok2..maybe im being typical..i realise i was being one wen im at home most of my tyme..im bored..DAMN BORED..and i hav no SPECIFIC frens to talk to onda phone..i always meet them..but like i told ya..this year holiday sucks!i cant go out!and my parents are being the ugly stepsister and stepbrother asking me doing all the chores and never giv me $ while they go out..shop...at a time when money is precious in my house!
they cant pay bills but they can buy guess bag..or armani clothes..or ..watever..my aunt gav me $20 as she got her pay.. my dad ot his pay but i get nagging for nothing..and my moms pay i get to be mom for a week! busy with my sister's book and stuff and i didnt getta go warisan and my dance practice bronkx..and for dat i get two instead of three certificate..cant take part in competition and such!!BLEARGH! IM GONG CRAZY..

and i juz need my boyfriend to be patient but he is NOT! he said he will change..he juz add more of my problem!

nah...tynk i juz nid to go out and be indepndent..now i noe no matter how much that person loves you,u cant depend and rely on that person..we have to depend on ourself..

but..umm..how to start?

the young housewife

2005-12-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

when my schedule is mixed up

2005-12-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

im so busy with my warisan thing as we have this workshop going on and we havta learn angklung,randai,rapai,talempong and gendang in one week and dis sat we are going to perform all of them!!its hard but i can manage though.. and on thurs is fred's off day..and i wanna spend the whole day with him..but then my sister have this graduation thing going and i have to attend dat ceremony so i cant spend tyme with him..its sucky as i was tynking of going for dance practice bronx but den i cant..my time clash!! i really want to go to the practice..i miss out alot i tynk..and yesterday wen i drop by der ppl was like giving me face like as if they lost hope on me..

im having pms so kinda moody lately..with my mom keep on targeting on me..i mean wats up wit her?! she promise me a mp3..a permed hair..well,i hate her promises!!!im broke..and i dun wan fred's money..it seem wrong wen i take his money.. i wan him for him..and he have his own family that he need to give dat money to...talking bout him,i realise he didnt giv much attention to me lately..i mean,he just change in a way..he dun pay much attention to me..i feel like a fool sumtymes talking to him wen he's not listening..

well,going to my sister's school...bleargh!

When is school starting?

2005-12-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

i am getting more bored at home..but then again wen i wanna go out im short of money!! gawsh..money really talks..i mean..here i am..no mp3,or any form of gadget and im stuck wit a hp that only givs out blue color..if i had known it wud be dis tough to find money..i would have treasured my 3g motorola,samsung camera,nokias..argh! silly me for loosing dem.. and dat MP3!! arrgh! lost dat one too..but it teach me how to treasure stuff..now i begin 2 learn how to be more responsible for my own belonging..=)

im always out to warisan and bronx..but den my it consume money..transport especially..den i will starve wen i dance and i will not even eat at home coz der is no food! my mom never cook...she cook like twice every month n da dishes is very rare n sumtyng dat i dun eat...its always her taste!!

fred say''worthless fren...kalau fred mati jgn dtg..fred mati tk important..i miss eqa..n i noe dat u miss me..''
well,hes juz abit emotional lately.. so mind him..

im going to warisan now..chiow

HarU BirU

2005-12-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

i was at my baby's house for the last two days..it was ok..i mean..i act like myself,and people like me..for who i am.. so it was nice..=)

oh ya...todae's Qamah and Zulkarnain's Bdae..*happy bdae guys!!*

i keep on seeing the expressions on my baby's face..he seems fine but i know he miss his dad so much..it hurts when he keep on telling me how much he miss his dad..wen he is alone is wen he willl tynk of his dad more..so i try to be der all the tyme to make him feel better...it muz be hurtful wen ur dad is gone..even though how much ur dad annoys you..i mean,after all he's ur dad...he is da one dat is taking responsibility of you n ur whole family..he's going to answer for all the wrong that the family make..wen i tynk of wat fred's going thru,it makes me wanna cry..it really hurts wen i see him hurt.. he just seems lost nowadays..so i try to b der to cheer him up and make him feel ok... especially wen dey(hu he called frens) are not der..i mean sum came..but the oders..the ppl dat he expect to b der..i noe he's hurt..but he juz dun wanna sae much..

I love him...and i wan him to lean on me wen he juz need a shoulder to cry on..i wan him to noe dat i love him so much..coz im not dat sure if he noes..if he noes how much i love him..

went to christmas bbQ 2dae..den wen i called him,he seem sick..i straight away get outta dat place and find him...i was worried..but then he seemed fine...but he got abit of asthma(dats wat he said) i noe dat while he was waiting fer me,he was so tynking of his dad..i juz dun wan him to be sad...i cant bear to c his tears.. i juz cant.. coz im here to stay by his side..making sure no tears fall from his eyes..

FinaLLy im BaCk..

2005-12-15T00:59:00.000-08:00

first of all,i would like to say my deepest condolences to my baby,fred, who's dad passed away on monday,12 dec at 2.15 pm..yup2..da dae n tyme i went to sarimbun..but i juz getta noe wen i went home from camp...wen he called me through the phone,my tears automatically fell through my cheeks n went n change 2 go his house..den spend da rest of the day der...i was sad..very..i suddenly miss him..cant believe dat i hav dis feeling towards sumone dat i juz getta noe..n no strings attached..maybe its unexpected..coz b4 my camp i went to meet his dad n he looks better..dats da laz tyme i saw him smile...=' ) ..

da camp is at sarimbun..haha...again im going der..feel lyke a regular customer in sarimbun.. i knew wher,wat n how abt the place.. their rock wall,deir obstacle course n deir way of pitching putting down da tent is lyke so easy..well,i was 'specially chosen' to be the leader of the group..well,im happy but sumtymes i juz wish we cud let oders have a fair chance to be a leader..to let them noe how hard it is to hold the responsibility to be a sports leader..

It's my four month today..*happy 4 month baby!*...hope dat i cud marry him..gawsh..im still feeling sad dat his dad passed away..i really m hoping to get close to him n noe him more better..='( really was hoping dat he cud be on my wedding dae...being in my wedding photo..='( it was really unexpected..criuzly...until now i cant believe he's gone..

maybe bcoz he,to me,play an important role in my life..indirectly now... but was hoping maybe inda future...

cant say much..

now wat...?

2005-12-14T23:26:00.000-08:00

well,i have some tyngs i havent set straight like lush and warisan...i mean..my parents have prob in letting me joining me lush coz it use up lotsa my time as i rarely hav tyme for the family..but wen i have lotsa times for my family..my time is use up at home..doing nothing but laze around..i feel so lazy and stupid PLUS FAT doing dat!

so i havta replace sum of my warisan tyme with the lush practice but i miss my warisan!! yesterday i went,suddenly i feel like a complete stranger..i dunno y but i do..and i did nutyng der..its like such a waste..for one year i came to the practice and my transport and food money use up a lot..but i have no show..i have the passion for dance but i need to survive.. i m 17 but i havta find my own money coz my parents hav deir own prob..not juz for me but for my sister 2..n especially n level wen we havta buy books and pay for the exam fee...im feeling all stressed out as im cracking my head for tyme and forcing my body to move..from 5 am to 12 mid or later..so im expecting lush for shows..dey have lotsa shows and dey always call me..i hope dat warisan gave me shows to do..den in dat way i can feel more confident in coming der..yesterday i get scolded by my mom coz i cum back late..coz 'he' az me to stay and see him..i waited and wen i see him..its for nothing...!! gawsh!

aniwae,fred and i am ok already..i really like us becoming friends..i mean of coz i like it much more if we are together again but this is considered 'ok'..i like his company..it makes me smile..i really smile sincerely for the first tyme after a long tyme.. i hope we can be dis way until i finish skewl and.. ...umm./... i will say bout it wen the tyme comes..=)

GP Camp is tomorrow!

2005-12-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

I'm so nOt lOOkinG fOwarD tO it!! i mean the chinese girls are like so girlish and 'clean' !! i felt so disgusted..honestly..well,i'm missing my boyfriend,fred, so much!! i will be meeting him on 15(i hope!) as it will be our 4 month..*yay!*my younger sis are probably having a great time in KL while im stuck with my parents here in s'pore !! i mean i dun mind having them around..but if only they are behaving like normal parents! i mean,my mom and dad are into chatting and meeting up chatters..behaving like some kind of teenagers... demanding me to do housework..even cooking while they go to work..den hav fun!! i wish i could go out but i am having this GP..GP is kinda like probation ..we must be home before 7 and we have to go this counselling and activities..just to make us more discipline and more closer with our family..

Its good that i'm going this camp..for three days..hahak..but i felt more closer wit my parents wen my sis are away to KL... like we went to al-azhar and keep on ordering kopi-chino-ice(cappucino) and just talk crap..it felt nice..dey dun nag and stuff.. now i noe dat the one hu loves to create trouble in our house is my sister..hahak..gawsh..i miss her..

waiting for fred to finish his work..i mean since he got a job..i dun communicate with him dat much..how i wish that he dun nid to work..=p I really am scared if he would play behind me..i mean he is like 23 yrs old while im like juz 16 going 17...there is alot of diff..even ppl said dat..(even my grandma)but then fred say one thing he love abt me is dat i dun act like my age..i behave maturely and sensibly..(though i dun see myself as one) i still feel insecure..i mean he got lotsa gf and girls dat he usta like..and all of dem are like so beautiful den me..i mean dey are..dey are like so *woah* while im like so UGLY!

Wat does he really see in me?0_o?